Thursday, December 18, 2008

It's my party

Today is my birthday. It has been, for the most part, a wonderful birthday. I got many well wishes from many friends and relatives (thank you, facebook) and some unexpected thoughtful gifts. (Hey, look Ma, I can tell time.) I also got my haircut. These are all good things. But I can't shake this feeling of ennui.
I always go slightly haywire around my birthday. I believe this is in part because it just feels premature. I simply cannot be 28. I haven't done enough, experienced enough, loved enough. A person at my age should be more than I am. The world's pace is not my own. My birthday is in December, but I was meant to be born in April. I am still in my incubator, waiting to be able to breathe on my own.
Which brings me to the other aspect of my birthday that is difficult. My birth was a miracle by all accounts and I'm often regaled with tales of my shear stubborn will to live. I evidently learned to crawl with my head on the floor since I wasn't strong enough to hold my head up-but I damn well had places to be, so I went. But my birth was also a trauma for myself and my mother who almost died giving birth to me. We talk about that less. And if it is true that I learned to crawl with my head on the floor, it is also true that I pulled my respirator tube out numerous times. Maybe it was not my will to live that was so strong but rather my will to not be helpless. And perhaps my birthday reminds me that I am helpless- that I came into this world too early, too small and without any weapons to fend off the blitz on my senses that life must have seemed. So if I freak out around this time of year- if I pull out my respirator tube so to speak- isn't that to be expected?
In truth, it was a lovely birthday. I am surrounded by people who love me with an exceeding love and for this I feel extremely and inordinately blessed. It's gonna be a good year. Come hell or high water, it'll be good.

Thesis Watch: pg. 41

Book Rec: Tiki Tiki Tembo- a birthday tradition


Joseph said...

Feeling love around you is indeed a priceless gift. I hope you feel a little bit of mine in the lot. My psychologist tells me not to think, just to feel... I was very moved by what you wrote. I hope you feel fulfillment this year!

I fell from my motorbike for the first time this morning, really nothing serious fortunately, just slipped while braking sharply at a red light. Will serve as a good warning to me.

Miri said...

while we all feel helpless at times - and I can understand why that might feel like a theme to you - I have to say I have never met anyone less so. You are my model and inspiration for self-sufficiency and independence. I could go on and get mushy about it, but the point is that there are so many matters in which I admire your courage and your perseverance. thank you for being you - I'm pretty sure I wouldn't quite be me without your example.

Raizel D'arcy said...

Hmm, a bit belated am I. I am very glad that you are you and also that you are blogging about it. This way I do not have to wait until you write a book.